Lost

Like what the title says, I feel lost.

Am I a terrible person? Does she expect too much from me? How can I face this situation, or should I escape? I don’t understand anything.

I’m tired.

I have no idea if I’ve got depression or not. It felt like I got away from negative emotions once in a while, but bits and bits of it keep coming back.

Did I try to care less, push too many things out of my mind, have I really escaped from my sadness or I just thought so?

I don’t know who should I seek for help, or if I really want help. I read Kyle Huynh’s story a while back, and I found a little bit of myself in his story.

I’ll never be able to kill myself, even if that passes my mind once in a while. Staying strong and burying your sadness is tiring, and you don’t know when you will breakdown. As someone who likes to write and draw, I have imaginative characters in my mind. But one of them, I don’t know if she reflect my inner self or not, I keep trying to kill her in different scenarios, different stories. And she is definitely depressed, always thinking about disappearing from the world, sometimes I even wonder if I could be like that.

Is this depression, or just negativity of a weak mind?

I accidentally stood my friend up twice, and she thinks that I don’t care about people who care for me, that I treat them badly. Unlike her, even if I want to talk, even if I am hurt, I will swallow my words somehow. I guess what she said is true, eh? I’m a selfish bitch. I feel like trash. And instead of trying to solve problems, I lost my way. Instead of trying to make out who is right, who is wrong, I just want the pain to end. Useless kid.

I cannot end my biggest misery, as it does not comes from me. But it haunts me, haunts people around me, and they hurt me when they are hurt. Michelle Phan can take a year to find solitude, well, I cannot. Life’s gonna keep crushing me every minutes, until I am nothing but bones or ashes, oh maybe even after that in hell. Life’s a vicious circle, with debts to be paid back. That’s why I keep wanting to disappear, turn into nothingness, end my misery.

Weakling. Stressed weakling. Selfish weakling. Stupid weakling. Sad weakling.

And how can the weakling stands up? Dunno.

How can such a small problem makes a weakling want to kill herself?

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